I thought for my first post it would be a fun upbeat thing. Talking about something I loved and getting the queer voice in it. But I felt how I was feeling today deserved more of a voice.
Today I’m feeling blue. Melancholy, sadness. There’s probably a million different labels for it but the one that defines them all… I’m just not feeling happy.
It’s okay to not be happy all the time. Everyone has a bad day. But when it happens on your way to class… well let’s say it sucks the fun out of class.
Hell, I almost want to snarl at my group mates and tell them to shove their happy perky attitude right up their. But I won’t. even with how I’m feeling. Lashing out at others just hurts in the end. Hell, there’s probably maybe 4 or 5 people I would even be truthful about how I’m feeling today. And that’s part of the whole feeling blue today.
I came to the decided yesterday while watch Hudson and Rex with my mom and dad that I was ready, that I wanted to start my hormone treatment. And then this morning the little facial hair I had already put me in a mood.
Then there’s the not great sleep since I was worried about my two assignments I submitted last night. I’m scared that I didn’t do well, that I didn’t do enough. That I’m not enough. And that is my biggest fear I think right now at school. That I won’t be enough for anyone to want to take the chance on. That I’m too much to deal with. Who even wants a trans/non-binary first year who feels like they can’t do anything right and they’re nothing when compared to most people in class.
Damn it. I know I’m not suppose to be so hard on myself, that I am good enough but its hard some days to remember that and today, right now is one of those days. God damn it I just want a hug from someone that actually gives two shits about me. Somebody that cares about more than just a surface we are in the same program level. But they don’t because I’m too scared to let them in.
Even through I came out to everyone the end of last semester I’m still scared of them. Enough though I know that its not the case. That there are those that respect me.
It’s just not a great time in my head right now. I almost wanted to hop on the train home today downtown and not come. But I care too damn much. And I know that its not a bad thing. I do want to succeed in this program. I want to succeed in radio. I’m just not sure I have the hope to do so. I’m scared that all my fears and anxiety and insecurity is just going to bite me and tear me apart.
I don’t want to be a failure to myself again. I want to be more than I am. I want to be happy with who I am and what I do. I don’t want to have to get anxious every month wondering if I can pay my bills that month. If I can do and do something fun with friends for my own mental health. I’m just so tired of being anxious. I just want to feel that I am enough.
I really need more sleep if one night’s bad sleep causes me to pour everything out like this. Hopefully my next post won’t be so emotionally heavy.
January 27, 2020 10:19 am
Radio in Training 